There's a distinct bond shared by those dedicated gamers who make time in their hectic schedules to get together and roll dice.  Those bonds may be grown of 'professional courtesy', creative collaboration, battle-tested camaraderie, or fast friendship.  As I explored in an earlier post (Nothing More Than Feelings), sometimes those bonds get tested, or even outright strained.

It would be nice to think that there exists some code of conduct among gamers, rules of etiquette--written or otherwise--that assure the group that the only fighting they'll face is in the game.  Many players can handle any social situation in-game with ease; they have an especially high intelligence, or a gift of gab that endears them to others.  Put bluntly, however, some players are less than adept when it comes to navigating our present society.  Even so, the most gracious of us may find ourselves in trouble if we got trapped by one of these gaming faux pas.  

The Eternal Conflict

The Setup: If your group is anything like ours, finding time for a regular game where we can all attend is tougher than any enemy or challenge in the game itself.  While we always start out aiming for full attendance, it's inevitable that at times we'll have to run a session without a particular player.  This phenomenon even led to an earlier post about strategies for dealing with MIA players.  These strategies are admittedly best used when that player's absence has been predetermined, but can also come in handy when real life forces you out of the session you'd originally planned on attending.

The social challenge to a gaming group comes when the same person is absent from every session after starting the regular game in the party.  Whether they never have time for role-playing anymore, or something always "comes up" and they can't show on the designated night, it becomes clear that the party is simply carrying their PC the way they would a cursed artifact.  Typically, if they do show up on a given night, half the game time is spent bringing them up to speed and rehashing decisions the party has already confronted.  In short, the other players are going to resent the errant PC (and its absent player) whether he shows up or doesn't; just for different reasons.

The Breakdown: Some groups actually establish an attendance policy before the first session of the campaign; miss too many nights, and your character is "dishonorably discharged" from the party.  It's less about the punitive and more about keeping productive, but that can be a tense conversation between friends.  If it's a standing rule that everyone agrees to, it should come as no surprise; however, the potential for hurt feelings always looms.  In the event this policy must be enforced, it is imperative that the GM is the one to confront the truant player; that way the decision is more likely to be viewed as a rules call instead of a rejection by the party or its players.

While the game master has the final word on what kind of absence is tolerable in his game, this is a problem that can frequently be solved with a little positive peer pressure.  A quick text or email reminding the player of when and where the game is taking place is a simple gesture that might bring them back.  An even better approach is including personal details, like how the group really needs a particular skill their character has mastered or reminding them of an important relationship with another PC.  Of course, a critical hit to any player's ego is letting them know that they are/their character is the key to what's happening next in the adventure.  If they know that their presence isn't just expected, but truly valued, it may be the push they need to make time for the game.

Lost in the Mail

The Setup:   On the other end of the spectrum is the issue of a certain player being omitted from a certain campaign.  This decision may have been a group action, or decided solely by the GM.  It's possible the player has a long-standing grievance with another player the GM is intent on including.  Maybe the player has proved unreliable in recent gaming ventures, and they're being left out to streamline scheduling.  Perhaps the campaign calls for fewer players and the GM had to make a judgment call about who would participate.  It's even feasible that the player is simply unfamiliar with the system the campaign will use, and it's decided that now isn't a good time to try teaching someone the game from the bottom up.  Whatever its origins- mechanical or personal- being the odd man out is going to sting a bit.

The Breakdown:  In the interest of avoiding conflict, many groups choose to simply keep quiet about the campaign in question.  They will not mention details, tell stories, or ask questions about that particular game in the presence of the player who has not been included.  While this may seem merciful at first, the harm caused if (and when) the omitted player finds out could be catastrophic.  In addition, the group will spend an uncomfortable amount of time worrying about what they say around certain individuals, sucking much of the fun out of an otherwise enjoyable hobby.

A diplomatic direct approach will likely prove best in the long run.  Someone should speak up and let the player know that they will be sitting this particular campaign out.  Again, this may fall to the GM unless someone in the group is closer to the player on a personal level.  Be sure to articulate the reason in a plain way, and perhaps offer some alternatives or opportunities for future games.  That is, of course, if the group plans to include the player in the future.

Mechanical motivations are easier to explain, and coincidentally easier to address.  Invite them to watch a few sessions, just to get the feel for the system you're using.  Suggest reading material- especially game books- that might further their understanding of the setting.  Offer some RPG 'tutoring' on a day the campaign isn't happening, to ease them into the system so they can join the party on their next mission.  Let them know that the next campaign will have room for more characters, then encourage them to start creating one for the upcoming game.  Point out that a spot could open up if the player can demonstrate a commitment to make the necessary time, instead of falling victim to past patterns and eternal conflicts.  Leave an open-ended dialogue so the player feels that their absence is only temporary, and that their participation is still desired in the future.

Personal conflicts, however, have no such formulas.  Such grievances should only be confronted if the group has a sincere desire to see them resolved.  Assuming that is the desired outcome, the subject should be broached by the injured party in the group, and the wrong righted.  However, to truly get to the heart of the matter will take true honesty; one should always plan for such a moment to be met with strong resistance.  Try to keep the focus on how the quarrel is affecting the game, a hobby that all the members of the group had previously enjoyed together.  Illustrate how much better the current campaign could be if all the players could work together.

Get Me Off This Crazy Thing

The Setup:  Sometimes a player just won't mesh with a certain game, system, group, or game master.  This incongruity may be the reason that player can never make game sessions, as described above.  This dissatisfaction may also manifest as erratic character choices, destructive in-game behavior, constant distractions, or long periods of silence (either the player or the character).  It may even become obvious to the rest of the group or the GM before the player realizes it himself.

Whatever the symptoms, the particular sickness is just a variant on a theme:  The player wants out.

Sometimes that player might be you.

The Breakdown:  This eagerness to exit is actually easier to cope with when one is just joining up with a new group or game.  The investment of the other group members is still in its infant stages, so they won't likely feel your loss too acutely.  True, they will most likely drag your nerdy name through the mud in your absence, and some militant gamers may even bar you from future games because you broke your solemn oath to roll dice at their table.  Chances are, if you're already looking for a way out of the situation, you're not too worried about ever getting back in.

Don't let that be an excuse to burn a bridge however.  Make sure to thank everyone, especially the GM, for giving you the chance to participate.  Find something positive about the group to comment on, just to reinforce that your decision to leave isn't a judgment or personal slight.  Even with other gamers, you should always be actively seeking to represent the hobby in a positive light.

There's No "I" In RPG

The Setup:  Sometimes a game, system, group, or game master just won't mesh with a certain player.  Maybe their style is too aggressive, their personality is too abrasive, or they constantly question the GM's rulings.  Perhaps they've been caught stealing, outed for cheating, or have committed some in-game foul like killing off another character or popular NPC.  In short, he's about to get voted off the island.

The Breakdown:  There seem to be conflicting approaches to this conundrum.  The first camp seeks to handle the problem in-game through mechanical penalties, stripping the character of prized possessions, or removing the character from play; the last option may be accomplished by PC imprisonment, capture, or even death.  Creative GMs may even choose to have the PC possessed by some spirit entity that takes control of the character, effectively putting him under GM control.  Being deprived of something valuable- including their character- may be just the wake-up call the player needs to get back into the team spirit.

The alternative method of handling selfish player behavior is to confront the actual player.  An email or letter is a good start, as it gives the GM or gaming group time to thoughtfully word their complaints, and edit if tempers start to flare; the same can be said for the offending player's response.  The GM may also establish new 'house rules' that address the selfish behavior as a game-wide phenomenon, and attribute the aforementioned penalties for anyone who violates table protocol.  It may be, however, that a player that's selfish enough to engage in this destructive behavior probably won't take the hint through this "universal remedy."  A more direct application of the house rules may prove necessary.

If all of these attempts fail to solve the crisis, the group has little choice but to protect the game and its players.  That usually means a group decision to expel the 'bad apple.'   Such a decision should be addressed with caution, and works best if made unanimously.  In the game, the party lives and dies as a unit; the choice to sacrifice one of their own for the good of the group should be no different.

Has your group had to establish house rules to address a player's bad behavior?  Have you ever been confronted for violating gaming etiquette?  Do you have a problem (or a solution) that hasn't been addressed in this post?  Bring it to the group in the Comments!